I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Verdict: uncircumcised.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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