Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
