my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
