I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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