rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
