I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
