I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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