It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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