I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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