I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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