So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
operation have a gay friend backfired
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
