Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
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her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My vagina is officially offended.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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