I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
