well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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