you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
