She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
