Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
is wine microwaveable?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
