you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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