I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
