Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
