I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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