Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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