Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
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