I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
