saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
