i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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