Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
