I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
