Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
