She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
