this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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