Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
