Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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