The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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