My hand turned me down
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
