Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
