He passed out mid-signature
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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