Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm like, not good at living.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
