It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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