Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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