The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
