Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I am one with the molecules
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
