Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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