if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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