just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
