The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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