As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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