I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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