I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
