the condom got lost in my hair
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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