At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
