Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
