Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
