Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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