I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
