My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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