Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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