Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
