bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
