sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
